It is too sick and twisted if I write my own eulogy before I’m dead? Screw it – I’m doing it anyway. Recent life events including watching a good friend loose her friend with whom she shared her soul and facing the inevitable and impending death of a family member has thrown death in my face, yet again so I figure it’s time to stare it down, and toss out the window any pretensions of what could or would be said of my life. Destiny folks: Grab it by the horns. I’ve often thought about this – though I’m sure some of my friends will sincerely consider putting me in the asylum at the mere notion of doing this now, at 32 years old and in good health. But seriously – I’ve often wanted to make sure that people know exactly what it is I want to say. I can assure all of those reading this that, though it may seen incredibly strange and perturbed, it’s almost therapeutic for me to know that I have shared with you, the most important people, the things that most of us leave unsaid.
Admittedly, I’ve faced off with death a few times over the past 9 months. Questioning it, thinking about how it would feel, how it would impact my family and how I would approach it. By way of confession, I am terrified of dying. I admire those people who possess an unwaivering faith; Knowing that whenever death comes calling, they feel confident in knowing that they will be reunited with those loved and lost up in the clouds somewhere called Heaven. I, myself, am not so sure.
It is with that in mind that I hereby designate two individuals to speak on my behalf should I either A) enter into a horrible accident and die young or B) live to be 110 years old. Whatever the circumstances: you guys are it. Oh, and one more person, my little brother. These two individuals who shall remain nameless know who they are: Soulmates #1 & #2 from Girls Weekend Oak Island
Soulmate #1:
Thank you all for coming today. Years ago, Lindsay designed me to speak these words. I considered her insane at the time but she insisted that she didn’t want to leave anything to chance, least of all the words that would be spoken about her life and how she wanted to be remembered. On her behalf, I say this:
I’m long gone now and as all of you are sitting wherever you’re sitting, I first and foremost want to thank you for taking the time to be here. I hope that in large part, you are not here for me. After all, I’m dead now. As I write these words I’m not 100% sure that I’ll be staring down at all of you right now. I don’t know for certain if there is a life after death, or if there is simply an end to the bones and flesh that we are made of. Those of you who know me best know that I’m not particularly a spiritual person. I believe in evolution and think that, for the most part, religions were created to give man a feeling of purpose. It is difficult to imagine that we were put on this earth to live ‘x’ number of years and then simply expire, without having fulfilled some sort of purpose. That said, whatever death holds is something that I now know and you do not. Be certain, though, that one day you will. It is a harsh reality that we will all die and each and every one of you in this room will soon discover for yourselves that which I am learning at this very moment.
Whatever death is, I know what it’s not. Death is not an end to what I feel for each and every one of you. There is no expiration on the memories, tears and smiles that I graced my face and I can promise you that wherever I am right now, those moments are the pieces of my life that I am clinging to. You, too, should hold tight to those moments: of my life and of your own, as they are the things that we are made of. Those moments, the joyful and the gut-wrenching, define who we are, what we believe and how we choose to live our lives. It is with that in mind that I want to recognize a few significant souls that impacted my life the most.
To my father who, by this time, is probably long gone and buried – I hope that I can meet you again. I hope that after you passed and learned everything I ever hid from you that you are not angry. I hope that you know how much I loved you and that I treasured the connection that went unspoken between us for years. I hope that you are proud of me. I have missed you and if a God exists, I know that you and I will meet again very soon.
To my mother, who no doubt has out-lived us all if not in body but in spirit, you were an amazing cheerleader to me. I appreciate the things you said and recognize that above everything, it was my best interest that you always had at heart. I hope that if I have children, I have loved them as fiercely as you loved Jason, Parker and me.
To my older brother – You have overcome many obstacles and skeletons that will forever be buried in my memory. Those experiences allowed you to become the man that you are today and I hope that one day you will be able to recollect those moments and see them for what they were: definition. Thank you for the day you drove from Newberry to save me from myself. I didn’t know if you would come but I also knew that there wasn’t a soul on this earth other than you that would understand.
To my little brother – Oh how I miss you. I have missed you ever since you became a man and we put away the childhood pastimes of sitting in the Bradford Pear tree outside our home. I am incredibly proud of the man that you are today. I am incredibly proud of how you have carried yourself throughout your life and along it’s obstacles. Never quit dreaming, never quit loving. Carry with you my love which cannot be separated from you, even in death.
To the man that I hope is my husband– Thank you for seeing me for who I really am and thank you even more for loving that person when it felt like no one else did. Thank you for staying during those hard months and years. Thank you for not turning me away. Know that you are not a failure. Know that you are a good man and a good father. Know that I will pull on the rope with you no matter where I am and when times are hard, I am right behind you, back to back. Love you, Love Me.
To the man that was almost my husband – Never doubt for a second that because I decided not to marry you that I didn’t love and care for you. You have more love and goodness inside of you than any human being should be allowed. My one wish for you is that you find someone who deserves all that you have to give. Thank you for being a part of my life.
To Soulmate #2 (continuation for Soulmate #1): Before you get up on this podium, pull yourself together like only YOU can. You are an amazingly strong woman and one that I have clung to for dear life in some of the darkest moments of my life. You are a good mother, daughter, sister, wife and, above all, an amazing friend. I have unending respect for you. Thank you also for sending me the Twilight series via US Priority Mail – without which I may have never discovered the beauty that is RPatz. If I see K-Stew I will be sure to tell her how much you think she sucks. Tonight when you get home I fully expect you to make cheese fries and drink of bottle of wine whilst reading Eclipse. In all seriousness, though, thank you. Thank you for making the Godmother to your oldest son – he is a beautiful soul. Thank you for being strong. I hope your children know what an amazing, funny, crazy mother they have. If not, let me tell them right now. Your mother is amazing. She was once a wild, crazy girl. Though she is simply “Mom” to you, she is so much more to so many people. You will never fully appreciate how beautiful she is, how much she enjoys dancing, how she’s the first person to jump at the chance to toilet paper someone’s yard, or what a supportive, kind and fiercely loyal friend she has been to me. You are lucky to have her, but I feel even more lucky as I had the opportunity to see her not only as your mother, but as my best friend.
Soulmate No. 2: you’re up next.
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