I shattered yesterday evening. Absolutely, completely and totally broken. Despondent. Angry. I closed my eyes as I crumbled onto the floor and wished that I could spontaneously vanish into thin air. Shaking as I try to gain control over the thoughts in my mind that are screaming at me, telling me that I shouldn’t exist and that there is no meaning to anything that I do, say, think or feel. Broken. Shattered.
I am exhausted. It feels as though my body is shutting itself down from the neglect that I force upon it. My thoughts are not my own at times and it seems nearly impossible to gain control of them in the heat of battle. There is not a soul on earth that I want or feel capable of reaching out to.
This has to stop. It is destroying everything around me, relationships, friendships, family ties. And yet I feel as though I cannot control it. It is not something that I wish for. It not something I intentionally drum up. Scream at me all you want. In the rage of battle within myself I am not capable of stopping it. I’m tired today. Very tired.
