…we don’t have a lot of time on this earth! We weren’t meant to spend it this way. Human beings were not meant to sit in little cubicles staring at computer screens all day…” (Office Space, 1999, 20th Century Fox)
A new year and a new journal to document those things which have been lost, misplaced, earned or reclaimed, albeit the former seems to have taken the lead in my ledger book.
I am no one particularly special. I am thirty-something woman you pass in the hallways who smiles and warmly says "Good morning" to you at the coffee machine. I can be seen from time to time with close girlfriends enjoying a drink during happy hour. I go to the gym, to the grocery store and to visit my parents for coffee every Saturday morning. On the outside I am exactly what a normal, single thirty-something should be. I am, by all accounts, a seemingly fully functioning human being.
But I am none of those things right now. Today I feel as though I am a shadow of my former 'self', clawing desperately to the ledge of sanity and logic; Overcome with emotions that shift violently minute by minute; Silently screaming, for what I don't know. I feel utterly lost and at a loss nearly every day.
At this very moment, 10:41 a.m. on Tuesday, January 5, 2011, I feel helplessly trapped in my professional career which makes me feel like the most un-used, worthless, unproductive, without-purpose human being on the planet. I work as a litigation paralegal for one of the better defense firms in the state. I've got killer technical skills, a sharp mind for grasping concepts, a creative knack for thinking of new ways to present arguments or display evidence and I am begging my bosses for work that doesn't seem to exist.
I'm amazing with clients, uber-organized (my files are immaculate), highly efficient with drafting discovery responses and genuinely give a damn about the work product that I produce.
Everyday I feel as though I have to wind myself up just to drag myself into the office where I start my morning routine:
- Review the calendars of 7 attorneys including 3 partners;
- Touch base with each on deadlines for today, tomorrow and next week that I could possibly get a jump start on;
- Review my "to do" list which, of lately has been empty with the exception of perhaps a stray letter to a judge or opposing counsel to request a discovery extension;
- Check and return email (assuming there are any);
- Email all attorneys on all teams firm wide informing them that I have capacity and am happy to lend a hand where needed which, inevitably goes unanswered;
- Sit and wait for the phone to ring from someone (ANYONE) giving me something to do;
- Mid-morning I hike myself down to my primary bosses office asking if there is anything I can help him with. The answer is usually no, and that he's assigned a few tasks to our new associate attorneys who inevitably produce shit work product, mark on original evidentiary documents in ink and bill the client $25 dollars more than I for work that isn't half as good;
- Another 4 cups of coffee are downed as I peruse the CNN, BBC, National Geographic (great "Picture of the Day" segment, by the way), celebrity trash gossip via Perez Hilton and respond to a morning email string to the girlfriends about subjects like marriage and children to which I have nothing valuable to contribute;
- Surprisingly, an email may come through now and then. As a paperless, eco-friendly office our mail is scanned and then circulated electronically to attorneys and paralegals assigned to the case. I read the letter, bill the .10 that it took to review, two-hole punch the hard copy that was delivered and sit it in a meticulously labeled file-folder called "Correspondence".
Next? Let's face it - the job of a paralegal isn't exactly rocket science. A monkey could do it at the firm I work for.
Before anyone goes off the handle let me clarify a few things:
1. Yes, I am incredibly grateful to be employed. I
fully understand the difficult economic times that many in our country are facing and I am appreciative of the fact that I have employment.
2. Yes, I actively pursue and look for other opportunities. I look every day, in every
job sector, in every city across the United States. Frankly, Careerbuilder.com needs a stern talking to. Understanding the fact that company claiming to produce six figures by cyber-coding from home undoubtedly provides CB with an endless revenue stream, I find it difficult to navigate beyond those opportunities to find an actual job.
3. Call me picky but the whole point in my career search is to find an occupation that motivates me, challenges my brain to some degree and makes me feel as though I have a purpose in the sheer act of performing my job responsibilities. Each of us are different. What may challenge or motivate one, may not provide the same benefit to another. For example: A friend of mine is employed as a regional truck driver for a food service company, a job that he absolutely loves. He is in awe of the transportation system and how goods and services are transferred so quickly simply by putting the pedal to the metal for 6 or 7 hours a day. 'Good for him', I say! But no, that process does not intrigue me. Another friend is a mechanic and owns his own business. He is and always has been, fascinated at the inner-workings of the automobile. As a childhood friend he used to take apart nearly everything he could get his hands on just to see if he could put it back together. During his teenage years his love for cars took over and today he feels excited about what challenges a Ford Mustang or beat-up truck may pose for him.
Forgive me for desiring to have the same feeling towards my own profession as these friends.
Thus, the question is this: What is it I want to do with my life? What makes me happy?
Answer: I have no *%$*#()#% idea, but I know what doesnt, so I hope that counts for something. Here's what I've got thus far:
Math;
Gossip;
Being told by a colleague, whose sole purpose is to send out birthday and eco-friendly interoffice emails that I, “shouldn’t use the labels so often because they’re expensive”;
People who won’t put the effort into forming their own opinion but instead rely on what ever is spoon fed to them and then later complain that the news is biased;
Bitterness;
Selfishness; and.
Red beets, just to name a few.
I have three passions:
1. Writing.
2. Presentation Design.
3. Litigation Technology.
If anyone knows anyone who's interested in a self-starting, proactive, creative, smart, efficient, organized, motivated, talented, intelligent female who has great writing skills, a knack for technology, experience in content writing, presentation and web design and a stellar background in the legal realm - I'm your girl.
If, however, your position is one in which you're satisfied with a desk-filler, don't contact me. I am a rare individual that actually thrives in a challenging, past-faced, driven environment so no, I don't want to cyber-code for you from my couch as I eat potato chips.
I’ve been re-thinking law school. It’s not even the thought of re-taking the LSAT that disturbs me but rather the mere thought of sitting down to write a brief of tax law. Shoot me now. But still, it would give me more opportunities to write something, a variety of subject matters I could dig my claws into and an income (oh yeah, that).
I want to write. Whatever job will allow me to do that as often as humanly possible is, I believe, going to be the job for me. That said, I’m not so naive that I would ignore the pertinent and required considerations: I have to eat, for example, and electricity is a somewhat modern invention that I don’t think I can forego.
Option two and one that I’ve been tossing around a good bit is to obtain my master and then doctorate so that I could teach (providing the income and keeping the lights burning) and still have ample opportunities to write on subjects that I actually enjoy (journals, presenting papers at conferences, etc…). The downside is that a professor’s income won’t let me leave the lights burning 24/7, but the upside is summers off, the prospect of tenure and sabbatical and, of course, the writing and research.
Ahhh...decisions, decisions.
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